Best I Ever
by jacyevans
Summary: Songfic to "Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)" by Vertical Horizon; I need you Harry. I don’t want to, but I can’t stop. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t need you, that it’s not so bad. But you're not only my friend, my love. You're t


A/N: Here it is.another Harry/Hermione songfic by yours truly! This is dedicated to Thefly who wouldn't leave me alone about writing another fanfic. So thefly, this one's for you :)  
  
WARNING! ANGST AHEAD - but a happy ending, of course.  
  
The song is "Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)" by Vertical Horizon, a song I absolutely ADORE, and although it's about moving on, I twisted the words for my own purposes.muah ha ha.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters - they own themselves!!  
  
~* Best I Ever *~  
  
So you sailed away  
  
Into a grey sky morning  
  
Now I'm here to stay  
  
Love can be so boring  
  
The rain was banging loudly against the windows, and a cool breeze drifted through the Gryffindor Common Room. The lightning had long stopped flashing, but the rain was still coming down in waves.  
  
Hermione looked up from her spot on the couch and shivered. It was ten o'clock on a Saturday morning and the grey sky made it look like night. Dark clouds blackened the usually blue skies, but Hermione supposed it was better then the rolling thunder that kept her awake all night.  
  
Even though it was pouring, most of the older students dared to venture out into Hogsmeade. Those who stayed behind, mostly Fifth and Seventh Years, were studying for N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s in the library. Hermione couldn't have concentrated on studying if she tried. She didn't even want to, a great surprise to Ron, who was coming down the staircase from his dormitory at that moment. Alone.  
  
A little part of Hermione exhaled with relief that Harry wasn't with him, but the rest of her was breaking apart inside.  
  
"'Mione," Ron said, shocked to see her there, "What are - have you seen Harry?"  
  
"No, I haven't seen him," Hermione said, looking back down at her book, a revised version of "Hogwarts a History," a gift from Harry for her 17th birthday.  
  
Ron sat down in front of her. "Hermione, you need to talk to him." Ron said, trying to get her to look up. "He made a mistake. You've been miserable the past few weeks, and so has he. I know how he feels about all of this, why he broke up with you, but he needs you. And it's more then obvious that you need him."  
  
Just as Hermione was about to respond, Ginny stepped through the portrait hole with a couple of friends. Hermione had the sudden urge to be alone, and she placed her book on the seat of her chair and walked out with nothing more then a wave in Ginny's direction.  
  
Nothing's quite the same now  
  
I just say your name now  
  
Ginny looked over at Ron who was still sitting, watching the seat that Hermione just vacated, and she sighed. It was common knowledge that Ron Weasly had a crush on Hermione Granger, had since well before Fifth Year. But she never liked him back - it was always blatantly obvious that she had feelings for Harry, although it took the idiot over a year to figure out that he loved her back. The two had dated other people before finally hooking up.  
  
It came as a shock to everyone, especially Ron, when the couple who seem to have invented the phrase "happily ever after" broke it off. He had pretty much given up on ever having Hermione once she and Harry got together, but he never stopped having feelings for her.  
  
And seeing Hermione so miserable made him want to take Harry's head and bash it into a wall until he got the message. Harry could barely even say the name Hermione without looking like he was going to break down.  
  
They were his best friends. He hated seeing them like this.  
  
After everything that happened between them, nothing was the same. The "Dream Team" was split up, and he wondered if they realized what this was doing to him.  
  
Ron hated it more then either of them would ever know.  
  
But it's not so bad  
  
You're only the best I ever had  
  
You don't want me back  
  
You're just the best I ever had  
  
Hermione walked through the halls not paying attention to anything but the sound of her footsteps. She forced herself to think about anything but Harry and how much she wanted him back. But the memories came unbidden, and Hermione headed towards the front of the castle, remembering...  
  
~* Hermione could only sit and stare. The tears were already threatening to fall down her cheeks, and she couldn't allow that, not yet.  
  
"Are you saying you want to break up with me?" Her voice was strained, her pain apparent.  
  
It had been six months. Six glorious months at Harry's side, six months since they first admitted they wanted to take that final step, beyond friendship.  
  
Six months since he kissed her for the first time and said "I love you."  
  
Hermione succumbed to her passions that night, and waking up in Harry's arms made her glow with happiness for weeks on end. She always imagined that her first time would be with Harry. She was still shocked beyond belief that her dream came true.  
  
And now, six months later, the love of her life was telling her that he didn't want her anymore.  
  
Harry didn't respond to her question. He merely stared at the floor, wishing that he could take it all back.  
  
"Don't you love me?" Hermione asked, looking down so that Harry wouldn't see the tears in her eyes.  
  
"Hermione, I love you more then I can say. You're the best friend I've ever had, the love of my life. But - you saw how Voldemort targeted the people that I love the most. Hagrid is dead. I can't risk him finding out about you. It's better this way." Harry said all of this facing away from her. If he turned around and looked into her eyes, he would take it all back.  
  
And he couldn't do that. He loved her too much to do that.  
  
Hermione was angry and frustrated and confused all at the same time - angry that Harry was pulling the "Voldemort is after me and you're in danger" card once again, frustrated that she didn't have the strength to tell him that she needed him and that she thought that Voldemort could go to hell for all she cared, and confused by the fact that she wasn't sure she could live without him. What difference would it all make if she died anyway from a broken heart?  
  
Hermione got up and went to the door. Her back to Harry, she said, "So this is it?"  
  
Harry put his hands in his pockets. "I guess. It's how it always was - friends." The word was broken, coming out as more of a sob then a word.  
  
Hermione nodded, knowing that what he said was a lie, knowing that they couldn't be just friends again if they tried. They were so far beyond that now. Harry saw her shoulders shake as she slowly walked away from his room, and he wanted to hold her until all her sadness went away.  
  
But he didn't.  
  
Hermione waited until she was out of his sight before she ran into her room and cried. *~  
  
Hermione leaned against the doorway outside, letting the rain drown her sorrows away. She couldn't decipher raindrops from tears as she finally let her emotions take their hold on her.  
  
Unbeknownst to her, Harry wasn't far away.  
  
So you stole my world  
  
Now I'm just a phony  
  
Remembering the girl  
  
Leaves me down and lonely  
  
Harry stood by the edge of the lake watching the rain fall and make ripples on the water. They grey sky matched his mood perfectly -  
  
Dark and dreary.  
  
Harry woke up and left the tower very early that morning. He wanted to avoid running into anyone, including Ron. He sat in the library for a while, but headed outside once a few students began to trickle in, ready for another day of studying for N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s.  
  
It was raining, but Harry barely noticed. He wished that Hermione was there with him right now so she could tell him what she was thinking, because he was beginning to wonder if she loved him at all anymore.  
  
And it killed him just to think about that possibility.  
  
Instead, Harry just relished in his memories of what could have been, of what he'd thrown away...  
  
~* Ron and Harry walked out of the Great Hall laughing at some joke Neville told them about a bartender walking into a bar. Harry was in the middle of a laugh when he looked up and saw Hermione walking towards them. She was headed to Advanced Arithmancy with Ginny and she clutched her book closer to her chest when she saw Harry, headed in the opposite direction towards Divination.  
  
The two gave each other a pained look and exchanged a glance and a small smile as they passed and went their separate ways.  
  
Harry looked back at Hermione and sighed. Ron didn't even bother saying anything anymore. A month had gone by like this, and he gave up trying to convince Harry to try to work things out. Although it didn't seem like it to him, or anyone else for that matter, a part of Harry hadn't given up at all.  
  
She stole is world, his heart, his very soul. He felt incomplete when she wasn't by his side, hollow.  
  
He was lovesick for her and he knew it. *~  
  
Send it in a letter  
  
Make yourself feel better  
  
Harry pulled a crumpled paper from his pocket. The edges were worn and the creases from where he folded it were beginning to tear. He'd read the letter a thousand times, possibly more. It was all that he was hanging onto, all that was keeping him sane.  
  
Two weeks earlier, he, Hermione and Ron were in the library studying. Hermione, who was suddenly hungry, (she hadn't eaten all day, spending every waking moment studying) decided to go down to the kitchens. As she gathered her things, a sheet of paper slipped out of her bag and onto the floor. Harry waited until Hermione was long gone and he was sure no one was looking when he picked it up.  
  
It was a letter, addressed to him.  
  
Harry quickly got his things together, saying a quick goodbye to Ron so that he could read in quiet.  
  
What he read made his head spin and pushed away any thoughts he was having about her possibly not loving him.  
  
He needed that reassurance once again.  
  
The rain fell on the letter now, blurring the words as the ink ran, but Harry barely noticed - he knew it by heart.  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm never going to give this to you, but I suppose this is the best way to get things off of my chest without actually having to tell you.  
  
I love you. I love you so much. You're a part of me that will never go away, and without you, I feel like there's this hole inside me, an emptiness I'll never fill. I love you more then anything else in the world, and being without you is killing me inside. I need you. I need you more then I need the air I breathe, and the look in your eyes whenever you look at me tells me that you still love me. I can care less about Voldemort using me or anyone else against you. He can go to hell for all I care. I. Love. You. And I'm going to die anyway because I'm not with you. I need you Harry. I don't want to, but I can't stop. I've tried to convince myself that I don't need you, that it's not so bad.  
  
But you're not only my friend, my love.  
  
You're the best I've ever had.  
  
I love you, Harry James Potter. And I'll never stop. No matter what comes.  
  
Love Always, Hermione  
  
Harry re-folded the letter and put it back in his pocket. "I don't want her." He said to himself.  
  
And that was the truth.  
  
He didn't want her. He needed her.  
  
Badly.  
  
But it's not so bad  
  
You're only the best I ever had  
  
You don't need me back  
  
You're just the best I ever had  
  
Harry thought about the other girlfriends he'd had in the past. He dated Ginny for most of Sixth Year, but they broke up over the summer. It was mutual, as they both realized they weren't meant for each other. He dated a few other girls earlier that year - Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown (who was now dating Ron) among them.  
  
But none of them could ever compare to his Hermione. She was the best he'd ever have.  
  
"My Hermione," he whispered, the first words he's spoken all day. 'No,' a little voice in his mind whispered back, 'Not anymore.'  
  
The thought brought tears to his eyes which he abruptly pushed away. He never thought it would be this hard to be without her. What he had done to protect her had turned into the biggest mistake he'd ever made.  
  
And it may take some time to  
  
Patch me up inside  
  
And I can't take it so I  
  
Run away and hide  
  
Hermione opened her eyes and took a breath, broken by a quiet sob. She took a few slow steps forward getting her bearings, and started walking off towards the lake, her resolve finally set.  
  
She resolved to get over Harry Potter.  
  
It was going to be hard - Harry was the love of her life, as much a part of her as the blood in her veins, but she couldn't continue like this, couldn't go on.  
  
Hermione stopped and leaned against one of the trees near the lake. As nice as that sounded, she knew it wasn't possible. She knew that she couldn't get over him even though a part of her desperately wanted to.  
  
She couldn't stop loving him.  
  
Hermione just wanted to run away. She'd been hiding her emotions for so long that she didn't even know how to express her feelings anymore.  
  
She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn't see the raised tree root and her foot caught and she fell with a small scream.  
  
Harry's eyes shot open. He though - no, he knew he heard Hermione scream. Keeping his wand within reach, Harry walked around the tree -  
  
And saw Hermione fighting to stand, tears rolling down her face, sobbing.  
  
"Hermione?" He choked out.  
  
Hermione looked up at him. "Harry." She sobbed.  
  
And I may find in time that  
  
You were always right  
  
Were always right  
  
The two of them stayed still, just watching each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. In those few moments, just looking into Hermione's eyes, seeing the love and pain that they held, Harry realized something -  
  
She was always right.  
  
The letter, what she said about not being able to live without him - it was all true, down to the "love always" before her name. He couldn't live without her, shouldn't live without her -  
  
He wouldn't live without her.  
  
No matter what came.  
  
So you sailed away  
  
Into a grey sky morning  
  
Now I'm here to stay  
  
Love can be so boring  
  
Harry kneeled down and cupped Hermione's cheek in his hand. Hermione just looked at him, not knowing what to say. She was still crying, but her sobs quieted. She was always able to calm down if she knew Harry was around.  
  
Even if he was the cause of her pain.  
  
Harry didn't bother speaking. The look on his face spoke volumes.  
  
I love you.  
  
I want you.  
  
I need you.  
  
"Hermione, I - "  
  
"Shh..." Hermione put a finger to his lips and slowly, tentatively leaned up to kiss him. Harry closed the remaining few inches between them, and their lips met for barely a few seconds.  
  
But it was enough.  
  
What was it you wanted?  
  
Could it be I'm haunted?  
  
Harry relished in the feeling of her soft lips, her body so close to his. He lightly traced the side of her face, praying that this was real, that this wasn't just another ghost haunting his dreams, forcing him to awaken and see that he was still alone.  
  
She still loved him, didn't she? What else could she want?  
  
Hermione was the first to pull away. "What made you change your mind?" She asked, feeling a few sobs run through her.  
  
Harry just looked at her and wordlessly withdrew the letter from his pocket. Hermione took the piece of parchment from him, hands shaking. Even through the streaked ink, tears, and wrinkles, she could still make out his name on the front.  
  
In her handwriting.  
  
She thought she lost that letter, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't the one to find it, that Ginny would see it, read it, understand, and give it back.  
  
But it was Harry who found it. And, although a part of her was grateful, she was still upset. If he read the letter, he knew she still loved him. If he read the letter, he knew she wanted him back.  
  
Then why, two weeks later, hadn't he made any moves, even to just be her friend?  
  
Harry noticed her sudden frustration, inwardly beginning to worry. He tried to speak, but Hermione picked that moment to get up and walk away.  
  
"Hermione!"  
  
Harry sped off after her. She walked towards the lake and he spun her around to face him.  
  
"What do you want from me Harry? You read the letter! You know how I feel! And yet you still do nothing! I love you! What do I have to do to make you see?"  
  
"This."  
  
Harry pulled Hermione to him and didn't even bother catching her eye before his lips descended on hers in a heated kiss.  
  
But it's not so bad  
  
You're only the best I ever had  
  
Well I need you back  
  
You're just the best I ever had  
  
Hermione didn't know what was happening. She couldn't form a cohesive thought. This kiss was different from the other one. The last was a hesitant attempt to get something back that was lost. This was pure desire, driven by a passion that would never fade. She would always love Harry.  
  
No matter what.  
  
Hermione barely registered the fact that it was still raining just as hard as before, they were both drenched to the bone, that she was no longer crying.  
  
A loud thunderclap yanked them out of their reverie.  
  
Hermione jumped and Harry leaned his forehead against hers. "What do you say we get out of the rain and go back to - "  
  
"My room." Hermione said breathlessly, eyes glittering mischievously. She looked up and gave him a small smile.  
  
Harry smiled back, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. "You're beautiful, you know that?"  
  
Hermione blushed. "Harry, I'm soaked. I probably closely resemble a wet pack rat."  
  
Harry shrugged. "Maybe." He leaned down and said quietly, "But a cute one."  
  
Hermione closed her eyes and leaned up. "I love you." She said as her mouth met his.  
  
Hermione vaguely acknowledged the fact that Harry had swept her off of her feet and carried her through the door and up to her room. Harry set Hermione down on her feet and locked the door, muttering a silencing charm around the room. He turned around and was swept away in a tide that was Hermione. She twined her arms around his neck and kissed him, reveling in a taste that could only be Harry.  
  
The words remained unspoken, but still hung in the air like a cloud -  
  
I need you back. I love you.  
  
Best I ever had  
  
Hermione awoke snuggled contentedly in Harry's arms. She ran a fingertip down the side of his face and Harry looked at her and smiled.  
  
"I love you Harry."  
  
He leaned over and gently kissed her neck right below her earlobe, whispering. "You're the best I've ever had." He kissed her neck again. "And I love you Hermione Anne Granger. And I'll never stop. No matter what comes."  
  
Hermione smiled and pulled his lips back to hers.  
  
Best I ever... 


End file.
